Your strength emerges in being vulnerable with security
A bear hug or a firm handshake: Two common responses I get from men after a deep conversation. Both are perfectly fine for me. Both communicate sincerity of spirit, man to man, an appreciation that we are equal before God and that we have a common love for one another.
I’ve had many encounters with men recently that involve raw, honest discussions about the fear, sadness, and anger that dominate us as men. And every interaction is inspiring as we see honesty grow.
It’s common for humanity to want some sense of control, and in my experience, control is built into many of us men, and we really have no idea why. The first thing I have discovered about myself is the importance of becoming aware of how important control is. I hate being out of control, and if there’s anything worse than feeling confused within myself, it’s when family (who have no idea what my mind is wrestling with) brings additional demands. It’s not your fault. it never is. However, they can sometimes bear the brunt of my burden. Family does that in all of our lives, but we’ve been so conditioned to feel guilty and ashamed when we’re wrong.
I know so many men who experience these same things and feel the same way. I am thankful that I am not alone.
The only way to deal with the guilt and shame that come from learned behavior is to talk about it and dethrone the guilt and shame; to put Jesus back on the throne, because frankly he doesn’t stay in guilt and shame, only the enemy of God does that!
I encourage men to start a relationship with their anger, their fear, their sadness, because it cannot hurt them and it can only help them and their loved ones. This is acknowledging that in life we often feel overwhelmed, and minimizing that, or making people feel guilty for ‘not being enough’, is itself an abuse.
Jesus dealt with guilt and shame on the cross, for all eternity, for all of our lives, for every situation.
I have seen so many men begin the journey to free themselves from the bondage of their guilt and shame, even to the point where they can reach out and not fear their fear, acknowledge and be saddened by their sadness, and begin to see everything. these so-called bad things as the very fuel for their own spiritual renewal. It is the work that God wants to do in each one of us.
In addressing porn addiction with very small groups of men, I have seen men emerge as better equipped human beings for everyone within their sphere of influence, especially themselves, as peace, hope, and joy abide. . I have seen the embarrassment melt from their shoulders, a lightness to their faces and a confident boldness characterize their step. Honesty empowers.
An incredible strength arises, a power to heal, when deep shame is discussed in a safe forum.
I prefer to work with men, because I feel better equipped. Through the breakup of my first marriage, and in the recognition of my failings as a first-time husband, God has given me a much greater appreciation that life is a journey designed to be divinely navigated; that only when I recognize my weakness can I resort to the strength of God; that the Lord has much to show us and that we need that help daily.
So many men have learned to repress their sadness, their fear, their shame, and their guilt. Lots of women have too. Men are not unique in this regard, but men are much more reluctant to give voice to their weakness, and most of the time they never realize that only the strong person can admit weakness.
We have to disprove the lie: tough men hide their feelings. Hiding what we feel will only make us weak in the worst way. Strength comes from being honest about what we are facing.
Men need a forum where they can share without judgment or advice, unless they are seeking advice.
I have often thought that we need listening services in our communities, which would be places where people could go, and in this case men, and simply be heard. Being listened to, they may simply experience the affirmation of nods, gestures, smiles, and other body language that validate their experience. Nothing else is required. At least initially.
Most of the time, people need to be heard and affirmed that they’re not crazy, they’re irrational, they’re stupid, and the like. We all see through unique lenses. And our experience of the world, man by man, is equally valid.
It can only be an honor to listen to another person express their own experience and, as we listen, try to understand what life has been like for them. As we listen like this, God ministers to us too! This type of ministry is always a two-way street.
Imagine if someone who was deeply concerned knew that he is an agent of God’s work even within his anguish!
Men need to be heard and understood, and above all, men need to be encouraged to be honest, to share their burden, and to let their own experience inform them that these very things are the keys to mental and emotional recovery. and restoration.
Right at the end, I want to say something really important: There is an appropriate place for momentary guilt and shame (godly sadness) in response to our wrongdoing, but it is only meant to bring us to the point of remorse for what we have done. , and to motivate the correction of those errors. This is restorative justice. And from there comes peace for all.
