If I’m Missing or Dead by Janine Latus
Arrow Books, 2007, $19.95 bps, pgs. 401, ISBN: 24681097531
If I’m missing or dead it is a heartbreaking and revealing book; and a page turner! However, it is not fiction; is an all-too-real scenario account of how women, even loved, intelligent, and successful women, can fall prey to men who do them harm: emotional, physical, and life-threatening harm. This book is also a dedication to her younger sister, Amy, the much-loved baby in the family. No one knew Amy was in trouble until she disappeared.
In hindsight, the signs were there, but it was too late. Amy was dead.
Janine? says my sister Jane. Have you heard of Amy?
He killed her, I say into the phone. That bastard killed her.
The only clue they have as to what happened to Amy is a note taped inside her desk at work:
In the event of my disappearance or death… I fear I have put myself at risk in various ways…
Janine is an educated and successful woman; an active journalist with a broad vision of the world. She knows that her family loves her and she is close to her siblings. She has struggled to pay for college, skimping and saving and remaining determined. She is a woman who can survive, get by and support herself.
However, she gets into abusive relationships; just like Amy. Michael cracks her ribs, blacks out her eyes, kicks her in the kidney. Then he cradles her. Oh, darling, he says, I love you so much. Why do you have to go and push my buttons?
Then he meets Kurt.
…he knows I’m a battered woman and he loves me anyway. He turns on even though he knows… I can be ugly and I can… make someone so mad that they hit me.
Attentive and caring, Kurt is also jealous, demanding, and sexualizes his wife. He likes her to dress in miniskirts, tight tops, tights, and high heels. He even ‘forces’ her to enlarge her breasts which she doesn’t want and is often ‘inappropriate’ in public: a disconcerting echo of her father.
Amy has also experienced a difficult marriage, weight problems, and cancer. Even after staying single, losing weight and working successfully, her loneliness drives her online, where she meets Ron Lee Ball.
Meanwhile, Kurt’s behavior becomes more jealous and erratic. He even leaves Janine on the beach, asleep, leaving her to dehydrate and burn. He’s gone… Pissed off… Until recently I would have run after him…
Rebuilding her life and self-esteem as a single woman, Janine is on an upward path when she gets the call about Amy.
Hello, sweets, I say. What are you doing?
I’m planting impatience… I’m also using my bread maker, she says.
I say I love you.
I love you too, she says.
I will never speak to her again.
If I’m missing or deadis both an honest account of love, violence and loss, and a cautionary tale. Battered women, especially if they stay, and they almost always do, are considered by many to be weak, stupid or, in some cases, deserving. This book can shatter those false beliefs. Latus shows ownership of him by his actions. Despite being an educated and successful woman, she believes that she needs the love of a man, one who obviously loves her very much despite what she brings to the relationship. She, too, is not reluctant to admit that she could give her best, at least initially. However, over time, eroded by constant criticism, opportunistic insults and emotional blackmail, she succumbs on a deeply psychological level.
Her first relationship with a man, her father’s, is far from ideal and is, in fact, abusive in itself. Latus never falls into a maudlin state of blaming him. He presents his family with a degree of calm and detachment, allowing the reader to draw their own conclusions from him. This comes from his journalistic skills and is an admirable account of some difficult moments and experiences, as well as love, fun and togetherness.
This journalistic approach, and his consummate writing ability, give this autobiographical account an extra level of currency and readability, to the point of wanting to turn the page instead of turning out the light.
And examples: When anyone in the family called Amy, including her mother, Ron would answer the phone and make up some excuse why they couldn’t talk to her, effectively isolating her. He even told her mother that he had killed her and buried her in her backyard. Although he made everyone uncomfortable, and far from funny, they thought she was just making jokes in bad taste. They could not suspect what would happen.
Highly recommended, especially for those who want to know the signs when a loved one is in trouble, but won’t tell.
