5 Stages of Committed Relationships
Have you ever wondered: Why is our relationship so difficult? Things were so perfect when we met, what happened? Most likely, the answer is that you have left the first stage of your relationship and moved to another. But could it really be that easy?
Yeah! Most people understand that relationships grow and change over time… but what many people don’t realize is that they tend to evolve in the same way. There are specific and defined stages of long-term relationships, which offer new feelings, new challenges to overcome, and new opportunities for growth. And if you want your relationship to evolve into one of mutual respect, love, and intimacy, you’re likely going to have to experience all of the following relationship stages at some point or another. Take a look at the description of each phase. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Before you begin, you should know that most people experience these stages in this order and you will need to solve the challenges in each stage before you can successfully move on to the next. Of course, there are always exceptions to this rule. But for the most part, you can’t stop experiencing all of these stages if you want a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Each couple will move through these stages at different speeds, and most people will experience each stage more than once; it is common for it to fluctuate from one stage to another.*
Ok, now that I’ve given you the basics, let’s dig a little deeper…
Stage 1 – The Romance Stage
This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is when you and your partner just met, and everything is absolutely amazing. They can’t get enough of each other. Neither of them can do anything wrong in the other’s eyes…mainly because they both continue to be on their best behavior. The focus at this stage is on commonalities – you have so many interests in common that you could practically be the same person! You show your partner the best of you and try to please the other as much as possible. Conflict is considered “bad” at this stage and is avoided at all costs. You can’t imagine living without this person, so you start spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage where our defenses are at their lowest, allowing you to open up and fall in love. You and your partner are building an important foundation at this stage so that your relationship can grow. There are biological effects too. When you’re in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive, and excited about everything in your life (this is that “head over heels” feeling!). This is the stage most depicted in movies and romance novels, for obvious reasons. Simply put, you’re happier than ever and you can’t imagine feeling any different.
Stage 2 – The Disillusionment Stage
This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage or the Reality Adjustment Phase. This is where you start to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!). They get to know each other more and more and, as a result, begin to recognize their various flaws and shortcomings. You see your partner in relaxed situations and you also become more relaxed. Since your body can’t continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that it had to begin with, those feelings of being on top of the world begin to subside. Your partner’s little outfit isn’t as cute as it used to be, but there’s still enough goodwill in the Romance Stage that you’re willing to pass it up. This stage can slowly start to seep into your relationship, as you begin to see your partner for who they really are. Or sometimes it happens suddenly, when there has been some kind of dishonesty or deceit. This phase can be confusing and daunting as you have just experienced so much openness and connection in the romance stage. However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflicts with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.
Stage 3 – The power struggle stage
This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or the Heartbreak Stage. As the characteristics of the disappointment phase intensify, they become increasingly difficult to handle. They will most likely start to drift away from each other at this stage. At this point, they both still believe that conflict is a “bad” thing, but are becoming more aware of their many differences. You struggle to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result, even small annoyances turn into big problems. This is the stage where unacceptable behavior is defined and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More and more often, you begin to feel that your partner is self-centered or indifferent, or worse, that they simply cannot be trusted. Deep resentments begin to build up if you are unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually acceptable manner. Many couples get stuck at this stage, because this way of relating becomes normal in their relationship. This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn how to manage your differences effectively, to communicate and work together as a team, although it is tempting to believe that your partner’s only purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult. Not surprisingly, this is the stage in which most couples find themselves when they decide to separate or file for divorce. However, if they are able to trade all the land mines during this phase, they will go to…
Stage 4 – The stability stage
This is a time of rest and peace, compared to the last stage. This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or the Reconciliation Stage. Some couples never reach this stage, but those that do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection, and trust with their partner. Now they have a history together, and most people begin to trust the predictability of the relationship. As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner is not perfect, but your personal differences are not as threatening as they used to be. You can resolve most of your differences, at least to some degree, and you gain more confidence in the relationship. Some people feel a sense of loss at this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they really are, as this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established at the beginning of the relationship. But for the most part, the deepening feeling of friendship and commitment is a nice compensation for those first feelings of butterflies and excitement. This is also when you start to re-establish your own outside interests and friendships, which were abandoned in the Romance Phase. There is some danger that you may start to drift away or get bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase. This is generally the stage where you finally start to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.
Stage 5 – The Commitment Stage
This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase. It is estimated that less than 5% of couples reach this stage, according to The Relationship Institute. This is the stage where both partners have a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles, and foibles galore…but make a conscious decision to be with this person despite all of those things (and in some cases for those things). You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you have chosen them, which means that the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared. If you’ve reached this stage, you and your partner are a team. You truly love your partner and look out for their best interests as much as your own. Your partner is your best friend. There are few surprises about your partner’s clothing or character at this stage. They have collaborated to overcome many challenges together and have come to accept and support each other without restraint. Their vision of their relationship is consistent with who they are and what they both really want. They have discussed their future together: they have similar life goals and are encouraged to further define their relationship. Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment at this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship. This is the stage where your relationship becomes a true partnership.
