Why we love hurtful people – How to fix a broken dustpan
Earlier, you found out why you keep choosing romantic partners who hurt you. Now find out how to fix a broken dustpan and attract a happy, healthy love union in the highlights of my radio interview for A Lasting Love with Ross Rosenberg.
He is a veteran psychotherapist and the author of the new book, The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us.
Hadley: Let’s help date singles who want to stop attracting partners who hurt them.
Ross: If you have a broken selector and need help choosing a great partner, think about what helps you find sanity in love. Understand what it is in you that keeps attracting the wrong person who will hurt you.
H: It’s good to study your 11-point self-orientation scale and see where a romantic partner’s personality traits fit with yours. Are you attracting an opposite personality partner who is emotionally healthy or dysfunctional?
I would like to clarify that we are not talking about wanting common core values in a couple, which is good, like wanting to raise a family or wanting to honor wedding vows. We are talking about opposing emotional traits, not values.
A: What is similar is important. As much as opposites are attracted by an unconscious force of attraction, what you value will attract someone with these values. However, the glue that binds relationships together are the unconscious forces that attract emotional opposites.
Hadley: So it’s good to do some self-reflection to be aware of the driving forces that have been with you since childhood that can sabotage adult relationships. What if you’ve done that emotional work? What if you’ve healed old traumas and don’t have any childhood issues to work through? Aren’t you saying that healthy and happy people can’t attract a passionate and healthy love match?
Ross: I’m not saying that. The opposite dysfunctionals (narcissists and codependents) are at the other end of the continuum on my 11-point personal orientation scale. As you become healthier and healthier, you move to the center of this continuum. We all fit somewhere in it. We are all more oriented towards satisfying the needs of others or our own, and this is not necessarily dysfunctional.
So healthy people fit in the middle of the scale. Many healthy people like to be caregivers: therapists, doctors, nurses, radio hosts. People who like to care about others will be attracted to ambitious people, who focus on their own needs.
So two healthy people, who have opposite self-orientation, will be attracted. For example, I am building a consulting business, writing books, traveling for work. My wife is a perfect match, because she takes good care of me and our son, not in a sick, codependent way. We wouldn’t be a good match if she was also running a business, writing books, and traveling.
When we met we fell in love because there were unconscious dynamics that fit together perfectly.
Hadley: Why do some couples get stuck in an intense infatuation that never leads to lasting love?
Get the answers in the following highlights from my radio talk with Ross Rosenberg for A Lasting Love.
