The shy guy advantage
Anne and I meet a shy boy: her brother. He’s not the prettiest rooster in the pen, but he always seems to have lots of chicks pecking around him.
What is the attraction? The mystery, I think. It doesn’t say much, so women fill in the blanks. I also think it’s refreshing; a relief of neanderthals dragging their knuckles around. They like the challenge of getting it to open up. And yes, they even ask him out, but he’s the three-date strikeout king.
Being shy may work for you at first, but it won’t get you what you want in the long run. Women want a man to be confident and assertive. So they can be a woman! If you don’t step up, you’ll bring out the “mother” in them and be relegated to the “friends” category. You will have a lot of female company, but no romance.
So be mindful of a little boy you’ve seen recently, and avoid doing the things little boys do with their moms: ask for permission, worry about pleasing her, never take the initiative, aren’t spontaneous, don’t know what they want. , and expect to be taken care of.
You don’t need any of that, so make sure you don’t give the wrong impression.
Dating is frustrating for everyone. I coach both men and women on emotional intelligence, dating, and relationships, and I hear the same from both genders. It’s frustration, rejection, confusion, and mystery until it works, and it will. Nobody knows what’s going on, so hang in there. Men who have a lot of bravery are just covering it up. Nobody likes to strike out, but everyone does. If you don’t come up to the plate and swing, you can’t hit a home run. It’s as simple as that. It gets easier over time, your odds get better as you practice, and the payoff is definitely worth it. Eventually, you’ll see a ball go over the plate and you know it’s a home run, and you can hit it out of the park.
Here are some tips:
1. Monitor your internal dialogue. Keep it positive and affirmative. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend you want to cheer up.
2. Watch other kids’ self-talk. If there’s one thing men lie about, it’s about their progress with women. All the men are there taking their hits just like you.
3. Your emotions don’t have to stop you in your tracks. You can be nervous and move on. You can be worried about rejection and still take the risk. This is like a workout, building character muscle, aka frustration tolerance.
4. Start from the inside out. What are you shy about? Make a list of everything you have to offer and believe it. If there’s something you need to work on, get some training and take care of it. Otherwise, take pride in who you are and stay focused. Not every woman will like you, but you need every woman. You only need HER.
5. Practice where it is safe. Being outgoing is something you can try out with the person next to you in line at the grocery store. Talk to strangers. Observe outgoing people and see what specific behaviors they have: eye contact, tone of voice, posture, conversation starters. It’s not a mystery, it’s a skill set, like a tennis serve.
6. If she asks you out first, that’s fine, but you have to take over or you’ll go under the “just friends” category. Take control and be spontaneous. Don’t ask her what she wants to do or where she wants to go. Plan something that any woman would enjoy and hope that she will accept it. She uses your instincts.
7. Don’t try to please her all the time. This gets annoying over time. Just be you and go! Any sane woman will squeal if she doesn’t like something. Otherwise, she assumes all is well and continues.
8. Have an opinion and express it.
9. Talk more than listen. There is nothing more attractive than someone who gives us all her attention, but take your share of her, otherwise she will see you as a doormat and lose interest. Set your ipod alarm if you need to – it’s time to talk!
10. Kiss her when you feel like it. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. She will let you know when she is ready. She goes with your gut.
11. No one gets to be on a pedestal. Whether you are worshiping at your feet or your own, come down to earth. They are two real people, not actors in a movie. They are not there to judge each other’s “date” performance, they are there to enjoy each other and have a good time. Know your stance/alignment and stance/takeoff so you’re in the right position and can’t lose. Whatever happens with her, you will have had a good time, and that is how you build trust.
12. Practice. The only way you can get a hole in one is to take that bucket of balls to the shooting range and hit the balls for two hours.
Shyness is a combination of innate personality and insecurity. Your personality is great. Insecurity is not. You gain confidence by training, so get a trainer. It’s not just for sports anymore. They’ll put you to the test and pretty soon you’ll be scoring like a star quarterback. Only where it really counts: your love life.
