The Narcissist: A Boundless Golden Child
When we struggle with grandiose, ruthless, and self-proclaimed narcissists in our personal and professional lives, we ask ourselves, “How did this person become such a self-absorbed, unempathetic, and deceitful individual?” The answer is not in the stars or in genetics as far as we currently know. The narcissist’s personality develops very early in childhood as a result of their interactions with the mother, father, or both parents. In many cases, the future narcissist is chosen for his or her special talents, intellectual brilliance, physical attractiveness, athletic prowess, or a combination of gifts to become the favorite child in the family. The budding narcissist places himself in the role of the chosen one who will fulfill the wishes and dreams of the parents. Raising a perfect son or daughter will offset your feelings of inadequacy. A message that the father communicates to this child is: “You are perfect, you have no limits, you cannot do anything wrong.” This child grows up believing that he is superior to others. The parent does not teach this child to be sensitive to the feelings of others. All that matters is to succeed, destroy your competitors and get to the top of the mountain. The future narcissist develops a grandiose false self. Believing himself to be perfect and superior and with more rights, the narcissist leads his life manipulating others, convincing them of his superiority and greatness. Despite his success in the world and the emergence of the narcissist, independence remains psychologically frozen in early childhood. On an unconscious level, he is still attached to the adoration and expectations of the parents.
In normal development, a child is loved and cared for as a unique individual. At first he is psychologically fused with the mother or primary caregiver. In this union, his physical and emotional needs are met with loving consistency. As the child matures, he begins to differentiate himself from the mother figure and becomes more independent. With the guidance and love of the parents, the child learns that he is loved for himself. At the same time, parents teach their son by example and directly that he is not the center of the universe. At a very young age, children learn to empathize with the concerns and feelings of others. The emotionally healthy child is spontaneous and joyful. He slowly separates himself from his mother and his father and becomes an individual capable of both giving and receiving love.
The narcissist uses his grandiose false self to fuel his limitless attitudes and behaviors. All are at his disposal and must bend to his will. He learns very early how to manipulate and exploit others to fulfill his wishes and desires. Narcissists have grand visions. Since they do not care about the feelings of others and have very little conscience, they have no restrictions in pursuing their goals.
Today’s society handsomely rewards narcissists. If they are high-level narcissists with charm and magnetism, intellect and drive, they often rise to heady circles of power in business, politics, entertainment, medicine, and other professions. Beneath all the success and material trappings, the narcissist harbors feelings of emptiness. He must continually seek out narcissistic supplies—adulation, praise, an enchanted circle of admirers—to fill the void. This psychological hole within him cannot be healed (except on rare occasions if he seeks professional help). The narcissist is incapable of empathy or intimacy. Surrounded by adoring fans, he is always psychologically alone.
