The interdependence of pain and the sacredness of memory
PAIN’s perspective is not something that is accurately described across the expanse of humanity. We all experience pain so differently given so many variables at play.
As I have written before, I have a ritual of visiting the memory of my deceased son, a journey through photographs, videos, journal entries, articles that I have written, all as a means of keeping his precious memory alive. Such a ritual does not cause me “pain”, so to speak. I’m blessed. This is the case because God never stops touching me in my depths. They show me different nuances of the trip as I return there and I enjoy the memory of my son, in collection with the memories that we, as a family, had from that time.
One of those recent revelations involved the photo above (which has been cropped at the request of my wife). This photo was taken the moment I held Nathanael Marcus for the first time.
In a very real sense, she was getting to know him. I was getting to know him how any of us new mothers and fathers know our babies – “Well, who do I have here then?” The relationship begins! From that moment on, the process of ‘getting to know you’ flourishes and we are forever divided again in our identities to assume a space for this little one. It is as valuable as life becomes.
And there is also a very special nuance in this particular photograph that I have in mind.
My son had died about six to eight hours earlier, due to a prolapse of the cord presenting on the shoulder. He has died. I have my son’s corpse there, and I hope that saying so does not bring you, unsuspecting reader, any pain.
I was with my son and I was thinking: “Just that Have you been through that? “” My poor little man, I wish it had been different for you. “” I love you sweet Nathanael. “These are the kinds of things I could write as captions to describe this photo.
And then when I look at myself, remembering how strange the experience was and the courage it took Sarah and I to walk that path together, I mean surrender, I am grateful for the courage I had, but every Thankful to God for helping me get through!
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Our pain is precious to God, and our Lord will bring healing from within the site of our pain if we allow it.
This pain that I experience is the most precious pain that I cannot live without, because it is the sacredness of memory that has become part of me now.
There is an interdependence between the lasting pain of having lost Nathanael and the sacredness of his memory. This is such an ingenious gift to carry out my days; more valuable compensation for our loss.
© 2015 SJ Wickham.
