Should you give the silent treatment to a spouse who cheated or had an affair?
It’s natural to eventually not have much to say to your cheating spouse. Well let me clear that up. Many of us have a lot to say when we find out about the hoax. And most of us say a lot (or yell a lot) as soon as the cat is out of the bag. And we keep saying it. And then say it some more. But after a while, we argued a bit. And once we have our say, our spouse may try to defend himself or justify his infidelity, something most of us definitely don’t want to hear. And so we want all the talking to just stop, especially when we don’t have much to say to him anyway, at least at the moment.
So it’s only natural to resort to the silent treatment. However, not all husbands take it well or simply accept it. Many will tell you that all your refusal to have a conversation is making things worse. They may try to make you angry or try to get you to talk to them. And this can cause some wives to question their strategy. Someone might explain, “I wouldn’t say my husband and I had a lot of deep conversations after I found out he had been cheating on me. Most of the time, I would yell at him and he would try to avoid all the insults I was throwing at him.” “I think he kept waiting until I calmed down to talk, but it took me a long time. And he keeps trying to talk, but I shut him down. I have no interest in what he has to say. There’s no excuse he’ll ever let this make sense. No there’s nothing he can say to me to soften the blow. So lately when he tries to talk I just walk out of the room. And he’ll try to get me to talk to him but I’ll stay silent and just look at him with anger in my eyes. He tells me we have I have to talk eventually and that I can’t give him the silent treatment forever. I know I can’t go on like this forever. But right now, it’s working for me. If our kids are around, I’ll make polite requests for their benefit, but no I’m talking to him about nothing. ng of substance and I don’t want to change this any time soon. Do I have to stop giving him the silent treatment?”
I don’t think you have to do anything. You have every right to decide what works and what doesn’t work for you right now. After all, if your husband had never cheated on you, none of this would be necessary. He made that decision. You did not do it. And now, you’re just dealing with this mess (that you didn’t create) the best way you can.
That being said, I doubt it can (or should) go on like this forever. Since you have children, it’s vital that you be able to talk openly and honestly with her father, even if he’s only talking about them. I’m sure you know that one day, you two will have to stop the silent treatment, at least where the kids are concerned. This is necessary for their well-being and for effective parenting. We often hope that if we just pretend things for kids, then they won’t know something is wrong. But, they get more than we give them credit for. So whatever happens with the marriage, keep an open mind when it comes to co-parenting. Because presenting a united front as parents is one of the best gifts you can give your child.
But as far as talking about your marriage, there is no timetable for this. Sometimes it takes a while before you feel like he’s ready to have meaningful conversations. Eventually, though, you’ll want to. Because even if you don’t want to save your marriage and want to eventually get a divorce, you want to resolve this relationship in a healthy way so that the pain doesn’t linger, or worse, follow you into your next relationship. You deserve to be happy. But it’s hard to do that when you carry the baggage of this bread forever.
And the silent treatment is probably not the most effective strategy for getting rid of pain. Most of us want our husbands to feel pity and remorse, even if we are no longer secure in our marriage. The silent treatment usually makes you feel less sorry, not more. And he can only guess your point of view or your feelings. But all these things can be saved for later, if necessary.
And you may naturally get to the point where you get tired of giving the silent treatment and not having the conversation that you probably need to have to move on. But I certainly don’t think you have to force yourself to talk if you’re not ready. I don’t think you have to rush. To avoid being pressured by your husband, I suggest something like, “I realize we will need to talk eventually, but I’m not ready for it yet. And I ask that you respect that. I’m more than willing to discuss things that need to be discussed.” regarding the kids. But I’m not ready to talk about the affair or our marriage yet. I know eventually we’ll need to have those conversations. But now is not that time, at least for me. I’ll let you know when I’m ready. But now myself, I only ask you to respect my wishes”.
You probably know when the time is right. One of the first things you learn during this process is that no one else can, or should, make these decisions for you. The judgments of others shouldn’t really matter. This is your Life. And your rhythm. So you can decide when you are ready to move on to the next step.
