Remodeling Or Building A House: Top 3 Reasons Couples Fight During Their Construction Project
The two main issues that most couples argue about are money and sex. Money, not sex, is the “hot” topic of discussion when building or remodeling a home. Money is needed to start a project and it is the cause of many fights in a relationship. The following are 3 reasons why money triggers conflicts in home construction or remodeling.
1. Couples don’t know what their needs and values are. Some people don’t know what drives or motivates them to build or remodel their home.
For example, Samantha wanted to renovate the master bathroom in her house. She was excited for a fresh new look, as it had been 10 years since she had done a decoration. Her husband, Tim, liked the bathroom just the way it was and she didn’t want to spend the money to fix it. In fact, she didn’t like the change very much and she really didn’t want to spend money on “those kinds of things”.
Samantha and Tim would end up arguing about the bathroom repeatedly when Samantha brought up the subject. Both began to resent that they could not reach an agreement.
Tim recognized that he didn’t want to discuss the bathroom any further, so he asked Samantha why updating the bathroom was so important. After much discussion, Samantha acknowledged that since her last child left for college, she was ready to make some changes around the house. The update was a way to honor her accomplishments as parents and symbolized a new chapter in her marriage. Samantha shared her hopes and excitement regarding the new phase in her relationship. She clarified her values and what is important to her.
Once Tim and Samantha talked about this, they agreed to the project because the “why” behind the project was motivating for both of them. Instead of fighting over money, they were able to connect their bathroom upgrade expenses to the new chapter in their relationship.
2. The couples do not have a financial plan for their project. This is the biggest problem for couples when building or remodeling. In reality, not having a solid financial plan in all areas of a couple will cause conflict in a relationship. On a construction project, this problem comes to the fore quite quickly.
Before they knew it, John and Kelly ran out of money. They blamed each other for spending too much and had to stop building the cabin they had been dreaming of for years. This was very disappointing for them to say the least.
After seeking financial advice from their banker and counseling from their therapist, they realized that not having a realistic financial plan or budget for the cabin was the demise of their dream. This issue was much more important to John and Kelly than just the cabin; their finances had always been a challenge in their relationship.
Once they began to work on their harmful and unproductive money beliefs regarding a “budget,” they were able to develop a financial plan to achieve their dream of building a cabin. The financial plan was a tool to help them achieve their goals, not to hinder them as they once believed.
3. Couples feel overwhelmed. Building or remodeling a home is exciting and can be very overwhelming. For most people, they work at their jobs, take care of their families, and have other obligations besides the construction project. This can be a recipe for disaster.
Mike and Neda were building their house on their own. Mike had just retired from the military and had a job where he could work from home. They had 2 school-age children and Neda homeschooled them. They had more flexibility than most people, but soon the construction project consumed their life. Every waking moment was filled with thinking, planning, or building the house. Inevitably, this led to unproductive decisions that cost them more money in the long run.
His family began to experience the consequences of being obsessed with the company. Mike and Neda were physically exhausted, the children felt abandoned, and their whole lives revolved around building the house. Soon, Mike and Neda felt crushed by the weight of responsibility with their new home. They had hit a wall!
They took some time off, grouped and identified what was important and priority in their life. Family time and being healthy were her top priorities. To deal with exhaustion, they decided to set building goals that would allow them to take time for family and rest their bodies. They backed off on how quickly they wanted to complete their home. They took Sunday off so they could go to church as a family and spend the rest of the day together. They did nothing related to construction or the house on Sundays.
Home construction can bring a sense of urgency with decisions to be made, deadlines to be met, and other life responsibilities. In summary, avoid unnecessary conflicts around money by doing the following three things before starting your project.
- Talk about why your project is important to you and how it connects with your values. Let your values drive your building goals.
- Develop a realistic financial plan based on your values for your project. Follow the plan!
- Keep life in perspective. Go slow, be proactive, and take breaks when necessary.
