How come my husband only remembers snippets of the details of their affair?
Sometimes I hear from people who don’t believe their spouse’s claims that there are parts of their affair that he can’t remember vividly. Often the faithful spouse believes that he is trying to be evasive or that he is lying. They are often left wondering how to get the facts out of him. Because there is usually very little doubt as to whether or not he really has forgotten the facts.
Common comments are things like: “I want to know every detail of my husband’s affair. I want to know everything. In fact, I demand to know every little detail. But when he starts telling me things and I start to get mad and ask more and more questions, that’s when he shuts up and tells me that he doesn’t remember every little detail. To be honest, I ate with the other woman and she had a lot of stories to tell me. But when I got home and confronted my husband with some of the details, he insisted that I didn’t remember some of them. I have no idea why the other woman would want to lie at this point. The cat is out of the bag. So I think it’s my husband who is lying. I told him I’m going to I’ll be angrier if you hide details from me than if you’re just brutally honest. But it’s no use. No matter what I say or how many threats I throw at you, you still cling to your ‘I don’t remember’ stance. Is it possible that I forgot something? of this? Or is he just a liar as well as a tramp bear?”
I’ll give you my take on this below, both in terms of my experience and based on many of the comments I get on similar situations on my blog.
Your spouse could legitimately be trying to forget past events: I’m not going to try to convince you that your husband has legitimately forgotten details about the matter, especially when the facts are so recent. But I do think that she’s probably legitimately trying to forget and move on. Sometimes he hopes that you can heal your marriage. And often he believes that repeating the past and going over all the details with a fine-toothed comb over and over again will only delay this process.
He may be trying to protect you: I completely understand why you are so upset about this. I also understand wanting all the details, even when they hurt. I have been in this place. I know that finding out all the painful facts can almost become an obsession. But I also know that often getting stuck in this cycle doesn’t help you heal. In fact, it usually hurts even more. It entangles you in small details that will be very difficult for you to forget.
Your husband is likely to see the pained look on your face when you tell him these details. He often feels hurt and embarrassed when the words come out of his mouth. Many of us assume that he is trying to be sneaky or deceitful when he hides details from us. But honestly, sometimes, he’s trying to protect us. Sure, it’s easier for him if all the details don’t come out. But deep down in his heart, he sometimes believes that it is also easier for his wife not to learn all the painful facts.
How to commit: I know it’s highly unrealistic to think that I’m going to talk you out of wanting the details. You have a right to them. And I understand why you need them. At the same time, she cannot force the facts out of her husband. You can’t turn it around and shake it until the facts come out.
But maybe you can compromise so he feels more comfortable and therefore willing to share more details with you. This is what I have come to believe is the best way to handle this. He needs to understand that you need to know the details that will let you know what he’s dealing with. He needs to know the truth about: how the affair started; how long was its duration; what kinds of feelings were involved; what kind of deception occurred; and the probability that it will happen again. Keep in mind that this is a very wide range and covers a lot of detail.
But, now let me tell you what kind of information can be destructive to seek (and can be hard to get from your spouse). These are details like pet names, sexual positions, used perfume, etc. You can probably find several similar examples of your own. I understand wanting to know these little details. Because I loved them too. But do you know what they did for me? They only drove me crazy when I smelled a certain perfume or saw a certain color. They did not help me heal at all. Eventually I gave up on this search and turned my attention back to myself. That helped me tremendously.
So a suggested script might go something like, “We’re going to have to come to an agreement on this. I need more details from you, but it’s obvious you’re not comfortable with being fully open. None of this process will be easy.” But I need information so I can have a clear idea of what happened. I need to know exactly what went wrong. Let’s start with the most direct questions for this moment. Then in the future we can go further. Tonight, this is what I want to know the most.”
Don’t expect me to tell you everything in one session. Get information and then give it a couple of days before asking again. And remember that there’s a difference between getting the information you really need and simply wanting to reveal the hurtful details of the affair to punish both of you. Always ask yourself if the information will ultimately be useful and necessary or harmful and unnecessary.
