Helpful Tips for Parents About Teens, Dating, and Sex
There are many wonderful new experiences that teens often can’t wait to delve into. For parents, this parenting season brings excitement for our children, as well as fear for what they are getting into. Dating and Sex certainly falls into this category.
There are many understandable questions on this topic, so here we go.
When do you start talking to your kids about sex, contraception, and sexually transmitted diseases?
One important thing to remember is that these topics are best handled in a series of conversations, rather than one big talk. It would be better to start conversations about the body, taking care of it, not abusing it, not allowing others to abuse it, etc. From the beginning; this sets the context to continue talking about the body. Talking to your child about sex before puberty is imperative, and ongoing conversations add to the information she’s shared. It’s also great to start the conversation by asking them what they know.
- “Have you ever wondered how babies get inside mommy’s tummy?” (obviously for a younger child)
- “What have you heard about STDs?”
- “What kind of stories have you heard at school about sex?”
- “How far do you think it’s okay to go on a date?”
- “What would you do if a boy/girl wanted to go further physically than you are comfortable with?”
- “How will you know inside that you are being pushed to go beyond what you are ready for?”
Starting with questions is very important, because it gives you important information about what they know and where they are in their thought process. This will give you a clue as to any misinformation they may have, so you can gently correct it.
How do you approach the issue of contraception?
Ideally, you would bring it up in a series of conversations you have with your teen. After explaining the biology of sex, as well as his own convictions about where sex fits into relationship life, it would be natural to explain how sex doesn’t necessarily have to result in pregnancy. Pregnancy can be prevented through abstinence, and the chances can be reduced through contraception, which tries to make sure that the egg and sperm don’t connect. This can be done by preventing the egg from being present (birth control pills), or by preventing the sperm from reaching the egg through condoms, spermicides, etc.
Since teens don’t tend to interpret the results of their actions until the end, they need our help to do so, and this could happen in another of these conversations. When a person decides to be sexually active, it also points to the possibility of many other outcomes, such as:
- The pregnancy
- STDs
- Regret when and if the relationship ends
- Possible reduction of the possibility of becoming pregnant at a later date when desired
- gossip
Sex is an adult activity, not a recreational sport that is decided on the spot. As their parents, we need to help them think through this decision, just as we do with other important decisions in their lives.
Other things your teens should know:
- Differentiate between dating and sex. Dating doesn’t have to include sex.
- Accurate information about STDs (most teens don’t know that STDs can be transmitted through oral sex).
- need to decide where his own line refers to sexual activity. Trying to decide this in the middle of a passionate moment, or when experiencing the sexual pressure of a date, is not a smart move.
- They need help paying attention to their own inner world and intuition when they feel insecure or uncomfortable in a situation.
- They need help coming up with an exit plan when they feel uncomfortable or unsafe, so they don’t get caught up in an unwanted situation.
- They need to be able to set boundaries, stand up for themselves, and say “no.”
Things you need to know:
- The part of a person’s brain that controls planning, impulse control, and anticipation of consequences is not fully developed until age 25. Therefore, an adolescent’s ability to think about her decisions, especially in an area as emotionally and physically charged as her budding sexuality, is not as developed as she thinks. They need you to help them think through decisions.
- They need accurate information; otherwise, most of your information comes from your peers and is probably riddled with inaccuracies.
- It’s better to take a “coaching” approach by talking to your teens about this and other topics rather than a lecture format. One works and helps your teen develop problem-solving skills (coaching) and the other style (reading) causes kids to shut down and not accept your influence.
- It’s understandable to be tempted to ignore the problem and hope your children are okay. Do not give in to this temptation. Instead, educate yourself and be brave enough to have these important conversations with your teens. Teens whose parents talk to them about dating/sex are better prepared and happier.
- The important backdrop is to establish a close relationship with your teen, preferably a long time one. Sometimes we can panic about things like dating/sex and being strict with the rules, without having a strong relationship. So, make an effort to listen, spend time, be encouraging, and set guidelines for dating. When there is a close relationship, teens are much more likely to accept your influence and dating/sex advice.
- Try to be calm and in control of your responses. Overreacting, panicking, and controlling responses will only result in shutting down and not sharing, and you want to keep the lines of communication open. It is important during these conversations that you remain as stable and non-reactive as possible. The big picture here is to keep the lines of communication open and make them feel safe to share with you. Try to breathe deeply and teach yourself to stay centered, and bite your lip to avoid saying something reactive out of fear. Although it is easy to be afraid of what they are getting into, we have to remain adults and stay focused.
- Don’t go through this time alone – get support and input from other parents at your teen’s school, your church or synagogue, or neighborhood parent groups. It helps to get ideas, support, and empathy from other parents who understand the challenges you face.
useful books
- Limits with teenagers by John Townsend
- Talking to your kids about sex: how to have a lifetime of age-appropriate conversations with your kids about healthy sexuality by Mark Laaser
- How to talk to your child about sex: it’s better to start early, but it’s never too late: a step-by-step guide for parents by Linda and Richard Eyre
- Why do they act that way? by David Walsh
I hope this has been helpful. Parenting is challenging, your teens need it. You can do it!
