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Feeling guilty all the time: shame, guilt or "Moral masochism"?

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• November 9, 2021
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While the words “guilt” and “shame” are often used interchangeably when describing our response to a transgression, psychologists define them differently. Guilt and shame are what are called “self-conscious emotions” … although, as we will see later, they are not always as fully conscious in their manifestations as we might think.

Shame

In the experience of shame, the transgression is felt to emanate from a defective or bad self. Since it is generally difficult to change one’s overall self … the whole personality and way of being in the world … feelings of shame characteristically cause people to try to hide or run away from the situation instead of trying to apologize or make a refund

• The classic physical reaction to being embarrassed is to bow your head, lower your eyes, and want to melt to the ground.

Guilt is often healthier and more adaptive.

In guilt, the focus is on the act rather than the actor. Something bad or hurtful was done, but the actor was not necessarily a bad person.

After feeling guilty, people generally report that they want to apologize, confess, or fix the situation.

• Guilt feelings can lead an offender to approach the injured or offended party and attempt to repair the consequences of their action.

• Steps can be taken to avoid similar problems in the future.

When the focus is on behavior at the root of the problem, you can learn from experience and work to repair the damage. The capacity to feel guilt can be healthy and adaptive, especially if feelings of guilt motivate behaviors such as apologizing. But when a person feels pervasive guilt too often (for example, guilt without a triggering event), they can actually be quite maladaptive … as in the case of moral masochism.

Moral Masochism: Desperately Maintaining the Relationship

Moral masochism is an unconscious psychological defense that works by twisting the meaning of unpleasant experiences so that they can be seen as beneficial.

• A classic example is the idea of ​​”being punished for one’s own good.”

Human need to feel in control

You may wonder why someone’s unconscious prompts them to create such unpleasant and interpersonal situations. The reason is usually that it feels better than the alternative.

• If you are a child who is physically or emotionally dependent on a parent who punishes or humiliates you frequently, you may have to mentally “justify” this punishment as done “out of love” to maintain the illusion of a loving, safe parent. .

• When the child or adult interprets punishment as a proof of love (“I’m only doing this for your own good”), and when genuine acts of tenderness and caring are infrequent, the child may begin to unconsciously provoke or seek. situations in which they are criticized or punished … substituting this for a loving interaction.

• If this “negative” attention seeking behavior is not recognized and addressed, it can continue into adult life and wreak havoc on adult relationships.

Every human being is subject to “narcissistic defeats” … situations in which his self-esteem suffers a painful blow.

• The typical defense of the moral masochist is to “sugarcoat” his disappointment by proposing that “no one thwarted me against my wishes, I was thwarted.”

This creates a comforting illusion that the situation is really in its control. “If I behaved perfectly, my father or partner would have no reason to attack me.” People who have had painful experiences of capricious, unjustified criticism or punishment by abusive parents or partners who were unable to prevent or defend themselves, may unconsciously decide that attracting criticism and punishment from others by provoking them puts them in the driver’s seat.

• This attitude can develop with the unconscious goal of retaining good feelings toward the aggressor when the relationship is abusive but important.

The psychological maneuvers of moral masochism

Through his own behavior or through the misuse or misinterpretation of an available external situation, the moral masochist succeeds in causing those around him to disappoint, reject, or humiliate him.

• Because it allows the masochist to continue to feel in control of his destiny, this dynamic unconsciously provides satisfaction and empowerment.

Pseudo-aggression and righteous outrage

The moral masochist often fails to acknowledge his own provocative contribution to the situation and reacts with righteous indignation and apparent self-defense to attacks and mistreatment that he perceives as originating entirely from the outside world.

Since this pseudo-assault often occurs at the right time and in the wrong dose, it can lead to further humiliation and rejection and waves of guilty self-accusations and feelings of self-pity.

“Why can I never get it right?”

“I need anger management classes”

“I have no self control”

“This always happens to me”

However, abuse and bad feelings are unconsciously sought out because holding the belief that experiences are “my fault” supports the unconscious need to feel in control.

Typical Driving Beliefs of Moral Masochism:

• “I will be loved as long as I submit to the will of others.”

• “If I affirm my independence, I will be rejected.”

• “Good people never express negativity.”

Typical thoughts of self-punishment

• “I will hurt myself to avoid being hurt by others.”

• “If I feel too much, I will explode.”

• “I am inferior and disgusting because of my negative feelings and bad behavior.

Typical provocative behaviors:

• Passive-aggressive heel dragging tasks and responsibilities, interferes with the plans of others and evokes frustration and criticism.

• Giving the other what he asked for but with so little grace or bad timing that it spoils the gesture.

• The martyr’s behavior presented in a transparent way to evoke guilt in others, on the other hand, provokes aggression in them (shame-guilt dynamics).

It is difficult to change “unconscious” behavior

Friends, family, and therapists can try to help by pointing out how they continue to run into the same problems, yet moral masochists who find they engage in self-destructive behaviors are often puzzled by how they seem to continue despite their recognition and good intentions. change.

This is because the unconscious motivations and unrecognized satisfactions that underpin dysfunctional behavior are not understood and therefore cannot be changed.

Unrecognized Satisfactions

• The desire to maintain control of the destination is more important than whether the destination is pleasant or unpleasant.

• Secret feelings of pride and superiority at being able to “take it”. They wish credit, no relief Of suffering.

golden fears …

• Moral masochists do not change their provocative behavior and stop incurring punishments because doing so could reveal that the “loving” parent or partner really it is evil or abusive and cannot be controlled.

Moral Masochists in Therapy

Moral masochists can have a hard time staying in therapy. They easily fall into their usual pattern and feel abused and disappointed in their therapists and leave prematurely.

Successful therapy must address at least two of the core fears and satisfactions that underpin moral masochism.

Secret feelings of superiority.

Many moral masochists are deeply committed to self-righteousness and, to safeguard their precarious moral superiority, spend a great deal of energy demonstrating that those who treat them unjustly are morally inferior.

• Therapy should help them overcome their reluctance to acknowledge the ways in which they are contributing to the problem.

• Acknowledging their own contribution and working to repair them moves them away from shame / avoidance and closer to blame / repair. In general, a more empowered and genuinely moral position.

Fear of revealing a lack of love or genuine abuse in important relationships.

While in many cases there was genuine abuse and lack of understanding in past relationships, this is not necessarily true in current relationships. The moral masochism defense may be guarding against something that doesn’t really exist today.

• Since provocative behavior that elicits criticism may be contributing to the problem, the true relational situation in the present can only be assessed if the moral masochist stops his provocative behavior and tests reality.

Moral masochists assume suffering, not because they love suffering, but because they feel that it makes them more lovable. Fundamental to the treatment of moral masochism is working to develop the conviction that they will also be loved when they are happy and prosper.