All modern fairy tales end the same way: the beautiful princess marries the rich and handsome knight in shining armor who came to her rescue on his gleaming white horse. So they live happily ever after. Or at least that’s what they want us to believe in both Disney movies and romantic comedies. But is it really true? Have you ever wondered why these happy love stories always end with the lovers in distress reuniting, but never portray the remaining years of their relationship life together?
Well, maybe that’s because we’d find out that this prince no longer makes the princess happy once the first few months of their romantic infatuation have passed. However, we all believe in this romantic fairy tale to some degree, and millions of women around the world wait day after day for their knight in shining armor to come and rescue them from their loneliness: “If only Mr. Perfect would show up.” , my whole life would be so much better.” Or “Once I get married, all my problems will be solved.” You may laugh at this, but the truth is that, knowingly or unknowingly, many women (and men!) secretly hope that a partner or intimate relationship will somehow save them.
This is how we are connected. You could also call it conditioning. Girls are being spoon-fed this fairy tale from their mothers and the media every day. Young men are told to be that handsome hero who will save that girl and always make her happy. It puts the pressure on, doesn’t it? And it is even more devastating once we experience reality and see that what we have been taught to believe is a lie. Why? Because there is no one else who can make us happy for the rest of our lives. Believing this means not being prepared to realize that we are capable adults and 100% responsible for their own happiness. It means that we still hold on to the idea of a caring mom or dad and then project that fantasy onto our intimate partner.
I myself have been lost in this trap for many years. I, too, was raised by a family that conditioned me to believe that I would have to find a good man who would take care of me and who could make me truly happy. It wasn’t until many years later, when I met the profound and wise tantra master Alex Vartman, that I realized that he was having romantic dreams and that there is actually another way. I am very grateful to him and his constant efforts to shatter people’s romantic dreams. Why? Because it prevents us from really seeing the other person for who he really is and deepening with him in a conscious relationship.
As soon as we believe someone else can give us something we don’t already have, we disempower ourselves by putting them on a pedestal. We project an unrealistic image to them that is very difficult to live up to, and we give them shit for not matching that image to their real-life personalities. On top of that, we get lost in them, which means we leave our own heart center and core, thus losing touch with our true selves. How can we even know another person, when there is no one “at home” inside?
Alex Vartman explains that “Romantic dreaming is generally quite destructive and is the female equivalent of porn. Both are superficial uses of potential sexual love energy wasted on a handkerchief while watching a porn movie or sitting around reading romance novels, watching TV movies.” Disney or dreaming of someone you can’t have instead of dealing with your current reality.” This current reality can be anything from staying in a boring, unfulfilling, or even destructive relationship or feeling frustrated and lonely, projecting your longing for love and intimacy onto a fantasy image of a man you know you can’t have.
Many people already fantasize on a first date about romantic trips to the Caribbean with that new person, or what many women date after marriage and children. “Could this handsome stranger be the perfect father for my children?” Believe me ladies, men can sense this and as soon as they send out that kind of vibe, they will want nothing more than to run and hide as fast as they can. You are diminishing your chances of seeing the boy again, especially of knowing him for who he really is. It would be a shame, wouldn’t it?
Once we can let go of the irrational idea that anyone outside of us can always make us happy or has the ability to satisfy us, we become free to start living. We let go of fear, pressure and tension and allow ourselves to become whole. From that place of inner fulfillment, we can manifest a relationship that allows us to grow together, as happy and independent human beings. Enlightened teacher Byron Katie says, “When I let go of the thought that someone special has to fill me, I become free. Then everyone fills me.” Once we see the conditioning, we can break it. We reclaim our power and personal freedom by breaking away from the romantic dream and making room for a conscious relationship that can serve our mutual growth where we don’t wait for someone to satisfy us, but try to serve each other in a deeper and greater love. . openness, using the relationship to get the best out of ourselves and the other.
Now, what can you do once you find yourself having romantic dreams about someone? Whether you are in an existing relationship or single, other people’s romantic dreams can always happen. They have to do with attraction, projection and unfulfilled longings. Here are some helpful tips to help you get out of romantic sleep. Applying them will not only make you a freer and more independent being, but it will also help you live a fuller, happier and more harmonious life.
1.) Be confessed. If you have a partner and you are having a romantic dream about another man or woman, idealizing them thinking that they are somehow better than your current partner, you need to be honest about it. No one likes living with someone who isn’t really that present with them. Your partner will feel it and it will only create sadness and separation. Instead, try to make yourself vulnerable and confess to your loved one what is going on. In this way, they will deepen the intimacy between them and build trust. Let your partner listen to you with empathy, without judging you. Stay open to each other, and the romantic dream will not be able to survive the light of day.
2.) Question it. Alone or with your partner, you can investigate the situation. A great question that Alex always asks is “Do you think the other person can really serve you more than your current partner?” This causes a reality check. We usually couldn’t imagine living with that other person on a daily basis, and we remember all the goodness we shared in our current intimacy.
3.) Lengths not met. Ask yourself what needs or desires are fulfilled in you by daydreaming about this person. What would it give you to be with them? We often project unmet childhood needs onto others. Really owning our desires can be very enriching. We regain our independence once we realize that what we yearn for is already present within ourselves. By allowing ourselves to stay with the longing, it will eventually fill from within, effortlessly and easily. However, this requires commitment. Commitment to our own process and to our own totality. Staying with a feeling of emptiness or simply being with the deep longing for love and connection can be very painful. Once we can allow it to be there, holding it within our hearts instead of falling into addictions like shopping or chocolate to fill the hole, we become the phoenix rising from the ashes. We become what we most long for.
4.) Let go and stay here now. This sounds like a no-brainer, but turns out to be quite difficult to put into practice. As human nature prescribes, we want what feels good. If someone makes us feel good, we tend to cling to them. They become addictive to our brain. This is how the mind works. The trick is to understand that they are not the ones that make us feel good. What we enjoy are the feelings that they bring within us. Enjoy these feelings while they last, but try not to hold on to them. Allow them to pass through you, rising and falling. Don’t build a story around it in your mind. Stay present and open to any new experience that life wants to give you in each new moment.
5.) Be devoted. You may ask, what does devotion and spirit have to do with romantic dreams? Much, as I have learned from my own experience over the years. My partner and I live in an open/dynamic relationship, which sometimes allows for intimate encounters with each other. Not for ego gratification, but because we believe this can serve our mutual growth and benefit other beings as well as the depth of our own relationship. I have noticed that the more I pray to serve others, the more interesting people I meet. Often these meetings are extremely insightful and revealing. So it can be easy for me to get into romantic dreams with that person and sometimes I fall into that trap for a couple of days. So I think it was them who created the deep experience, and I can put the person on a pedestal, starting to fantasize about them, which is very typical romantic dream behavior. Then I need to remind myself that it was the level of trust, openness, and giving in the room that came from devotion that created those deep and heartfelt encounters. The next time I meet that man, he may not be that good at all, and there is no energy between us. Instead of being disappointed, we can begin to see the variable. It is not about them, it is the spirit or God that created this beautiful experience. Instead of clinging to the man or the experience, it is wise to thank the universe for these blessings, and then let go, praying that it uses you as an instrument again. Understanding this variable is vital, because when you do, you know that you can channel that same level of love, openness, and connection into your intimate relationship. With these factors made conscious, meetings with others can serve the main relationship and do not have to detract from it by cheating one of the spouses with a romantic dream that takes them away from the loved one.